You Are SO Not Invited to [Our] Bat Mitzvah!?@!

Comparing Bar/Bat Mitzvah experience on film and IRL. Does art reflect reality?

In 2023, SNL alum Adam Sandler, the filmmaker and comedian who thankfully keeps American Jewish culture alive and well-represented on screen in accessible, humorous ways, released a passion project involving his wife (Jackie) and two daughters (Sadie and Sunny) called You’re So Not Invited to My Bat Mitzvah [Trailer]. The film, adapted from the 2005 novel by Fiona Rosenblum, is streaming on Netflix, where Sandler has a $250 Million deal between the streamer and his Happy Madison Productions. It also boasts a 91% Rotten Tomatoes score. Hey, at least we know Rob Schneider’s bread will be buttered for the foreseeable future. (In forgettable guest spot cameos - Happy Gilmore 2 anyone?) Coincidentally, Netflix audiences have already spent two billion hours watching Sandler’s films since 2015.

Sandler has modernized the Bat Mitzvah story to appeal to a 2023 pop culture zeitgeist (examples include the popularity of Dua Lipa, who since 10/7/23 is not great for Jews, the cool slang use of “aight” by youngsters, and Olivia Rodrigo’s emo-ness). If the film was done in the present year, Rodrigo would likely be replaced with Gracie Abrams, but such is the fickle nature of singer-songwriters who appeal to teenagers and yours truly. No doubt the 2022 Bat Mitzvah of his daughter, Sunny, here playing the lead, Stacy, influenced Sandler’s film sensibilities for the better. The result is over-the-top because this is Sandler, but also true to his films; it’s heartwarming and affirming when it counts, which, in my opinion, sometimes balances the scales.

Personally, I found the YASNITMBM rewatch strangely cathartic, as my daughter recently had her Bat Mitzvah. While some cinematic elements, such as the fact that our world is different from the rich and predominantly Jewish enclave presented in this film with its party expectations and price tags, made me thankful, other pieces, like the coming-of-age moment and how it affects kids developmentally at the tender age of 12-13, were rooted in the right values and meaning and were universal. 

Idina Menzel (the OG Elphaba from “Wicked”) and Sandler play parents to Sandler’s real-life daughters Sunny and Sadie

TIME OUT! What is a Bar/Bat Mitzvah, you ask?

As the film starts, Stacy Friedman says in a voiceover, “All across the world since the beginning of time, different cultures have had different ways of a kid celebrating coming of age.” She references the quinceanera or Sweet Sixteen parties. The Bar and Bat Mitzvah is a coming-of-age ceremony that takes place in Jewish culture, typically when a girl is 12 and a boy is 13. They are called up to the Torah for the first time, which is a holy book/scroll in Judaism, to read ancient Hebrew, and it serves to connect them to their ancestors and Judaism. The main part of the work is this reading and leading/co-leading the service in which the reading happens. Parties are optional but generally happen, and they run the gamut from more modest luncheons to nighttime spectacles of festive celebration. They are creative expressions designed to shower love on your child during this significant rite of passage period. They are also the things that get talked about the most.

The word "Torah" in Hebrew is derived from the root ירה, which means 'to guide' or 'to teach’

Demystifying the Movie - What’s Real and What’s Not

• Party themes: The first thing people asked me when I said my daughter was having her Bat Mitzvah was, “What’s her party theme?” My response was, “Um, periwinkle balloons, coquette bows?” People: The majority of parties do not involve themes. In the film, though, Stacy and her best friend Lydia, who also becomes her enemy (no spoilers here, but Andy Goldfarb is involved), have been planning their Bat Mitzvahs for eternity and have themes.

  

  Random pic: What’s the theme here? Movie Classic? Old school cinema and concessions? I’m lost!

  “You know what the theme was when I got bar mitzvahed? Being Jewish!”💯 Adam Sandler’s Papa Friedman

  

  L: Singer Charlie Puth performs at Sunny's RL Bat Mitzvah and R: Older daughter Sadie got Adam Levine (Maroon 5)

• MCs/DJs/Adam Levine/Charlie Puth: An MC (Master of Ceremonies) is not the same as a DJ, and dance motivators are real roles. For a certain price tag, you can get famous singers, but it’s the kind of novelty that I imagine comes with $250 Million dollar Netflix deals.

  • DJ Shmuley (Ido Mosseri), the stereotyped Israeli DJ who oversees the entertainment for all the B'nai Mitzvahs in the film, is memorable, but IRL, the DJs vary. While some production companies definitely are favored and run a monopoly on these events, it’s not like there’s a “DJ Shmuley-for-hire” - at least not that I know of. [For more on Shmuley]

    

• Generally, the boy who dances confidently at the party is not the cool kid/heartthrob in the class. Here, his name is Andy. There are exceptions, I’m sure. His name could be Noah or Ethan too.

• Entrance/Intro/Hype videos may happen, but not in my experience. It’s a lot of attention on middle schoolers, and that’s not something they LOVE, but YouTuber Amanda Rosenberg (video below) took it very seriously. Video montages, however, comprised of cute early childhood pics are more common. My daughter created an amazing video of her life against the backdrop of two songs - Ed Sheeran’s “Photograph” and the Beatles, “In My Life.”

• Middle School Female Friendships: The film presents ride-or-die friendships, like those of Stacy and Lydia, and the difficulty of navigating the fraught social dynamics of middle school, especially as popularity and social net worth take flight and offer harsh realities. The intensity of positive female friendships and bonds formed at this age, if my daughter and her friends are examples, is truly admirable. This film gets that right. I’d argue there’s less boy talk and more girl friendship talk IRL.

• The Cool, Yet Eccentric Rabbi: Comic Sarah Sherman, SNL, and her performance as Rabbi Rebecca were more representative of the types of cool rabbis I can imagine existing in California than say, “Hot Rabbi” Adam Brody in Nobody Wants This [Review Here]. Also, the film was technically supposed to take place in NJ even if it was filmed in Greater Toronto.

• The Iconic Swag: Bar and Bat Mitzvah event merch is a critical element of the party. Without a shirt, bag, or other swag, the event never happened. Do you hear me? 

  

  BM Party Favors

Other Bar/Bat Mitzvah Movies

Keeping Up With The Steins [Trailer] - 2006 was the heyday of Jeremy Piven’s unchecked ability to irritate audiences everywhere (See: Entourage). Trust me on that. Here, he’s perfectly cast as the competitive, tone-deaf father who is trying to outperform the Steins with the lavishness of his son’s bar mitzvah party, who doesn’t want it of course. There are party themes, for sure, and Gary Marshall (the film was directed by his son) and Darryl Hannah are both in it. It’s definitely dated, but then again I’ll take any opportunity to see Gary Marshall play a grandpa. See [Life After Beth]

13: The Musical [Trailer] - A more recent entrant in the bar mitzvah film portfolio is a musical. Description: After his parents’ divorce, Evan Goldman (Eli Golden) moves from NYC to small-town Indiana. As his 13th birthday nears, he must master the complex social circles of his new school and win friends by turning his Bar Mitzvah into the coolest party ever. Based on the hugely popular musical 13, which debuted on Broadway in 2008. I can’t say it’s incredible, but it’s not the worst, either. I liked that they included a child with muscular dystrophy in a wheelchair.

Transmitzvah [Netflix]: Caveat - I haven’t seen this Argentinian import, but I’m curious. It’s about a famous Yiddish singer, Rubén, who identifies as a woman. She rejects her childhood Bar Mitzvah and decides to intentionally celebrate it as an adult woman. Here’s one Rotten Tomatoes review endorsement, though: “A better story than Emilia Perez, not to mention a better musical.”

Let’s Discuss

• Have you ever had or been to a Bar/Bat Mitzvah?

• Have you watched a Bar/Bat Mitzvah movie or show? If so, which one?

• Did you not know what a Bar/Bat Mitzvah was ahead of this post? Do you still not know?

• Are you a “theme” fan? And would you want one if you had a bar or bat mitzvah-type party? If so, what would be the theme?