In the Israeli documentary, I Am Not, an adopted child, discovers who he is by understanding who he's not
Famed filmmaker, Tomer Heymann, shows us the highs and lows of parenthood and what true love looks like.
Within the first 15 minutes of I Am Not, you are witnessing a shaky turbulence in the handling of a handheld camera by Oren, the subject of the film. He’s filming an outdoor space where his film club is meeting and narrating that this activity is his favorite time because he’s doing what he loves - filming. It’s a rare glimpse of a moment in flight - a film within a film. It’s also a mirroring of Oren’s own internal, restless state and its inclusion is an interesting artistic choice by the filmmaker of the broader film being shown here - that of Tomer Heymann. (Paper Dolls, Mr. Gaga)
Oren (nee Carlos) Levy, a 19-year-old teenage boy from Guatemala, raised in Israel by an Israeli couple, forms a tight attachment with the camera and wants to tell stories with it. Perhaps it’s the way the camera naturally creates a barrier between creator and subject allowing Oren to play observer and witness distance from the action, which can be unpredictable, that attracts him, or that he wants to be able to control the narrative of his life.
To add to Oren’s story, he was adopted at 4 months, was delayed with his speech as a toddler, diagnosed with bulimia, epilepsy, and Asperger’s and has been on medication since he was 6 or 7, which seems tied to when he had his first violent outburst. Oren comments at one point in the film about his Aspergers, that he doesn’t think it’s genetic but tied to the fact that he was made fun of as a child, because he looked different and that if he didn’t grow up in Israel, and had grown up in Guatemala maybe he wouldn’t have had Aspergers at all or they wouldn’t have diagnosed him, at least. The silence after this comment gives way for the viewer to engage in deeper thought - that of Oren thinking he may have been perceived as “normal” in a what if scenario where he never left his native land. Generally speaking, he doesn’t want to talk about his Aspergers and doesn’t want his birth family knowing about it.
What is clear is that the camera is helping Oren in his quest. Oren is desperately searching - for his identity, for meaning, for balance, and for escape. He’s a teenager so some of this is normal stuff based on where he’s at with his development - he’s going to rebel, be pissed off and push buttons with his parents a lot. Oren’s not living at home. He’s living at a boarding house with kids with mental challenges. The implication here is that the situation at home may have turned unsafe and that his parents needed more support.
At the boarding house, Oren demonstrates some autonomy and gets support for his filmmaking and plays guitar. He gets frustrated when things don’t go as expected, particular in the scene where he is performing in the guitar in front of the group, but the community is supportive and he keeps going. He’s formed a close relationship with another student. They even take a trip together - going on a bus to the Kinneret, where they try and hitchhike rather unsuccessfully, at the behest of Oren’s friend, which triggers a fight and a momentary separation, but eventually they find their way back to being friends. In these moments, we see how neuroatypicality aside, the desire for human connection and rites of passage are common desires, even for someone like Oren who isn’t like everyone else. Oren wants to have a romantic encounter with a girl. He talks about this more than once in the film. The movie even ends a note of Oren talking about an imaginary woman and his future. He wants to go a restaurant at night and order an alcoholic drink, which he does.
When Oren’s home, he experiences a volatility in his relationship with his parents. A common theme are the hugs his mom and dad are hungry for, that don’t come too readily as Oren isn’t big on touch. Oren spends a fair amount of time arguing with his parents and, as we see in a memorable Passover dinner in which he says he won’t eat any of the food as he hates it all but then does.
Oren’s and Heymann’s subjects are the Levy family: Ehud and Dvora Levy and adopted sister Michal. Michal, in contrast to Oren, is all emotions on the surface. She expresses sadness and anguish over her “otherness” in Israel and yet is conflicted about meeting her birth family. Regarding her life in Israel, she says while crying: “I look different from everyone. They think I’m Filipino.” But she’s also worried that when her adopted brother Oren meets his birth family he will abandon her. This is the only life she’s ever known and she doesn’t want to not belong to it. Will seeing her birth family somehow delegitimize her status within her adoptive family? You get the impression she’s thinking about this. Watching Michal smile, laugh and show all the range of emotions was so palpable in this film. It could be because it was such a razor sharp contract to Oren or that she’s just a very expressive individual.
Ehud and Dvora collectively express a lot of joy, pain, regret, and at times, a sense of the overwhelming heaviness of being, with respect to parenthood. Dvora is a teacher and this tracks. She is kind and patient, never withholding love, but also clear in her expectations of Oren and incredibly thoughtful in how much she prepares her son for anything that might potentially upset him, especially ensuring that he knows to hug his birth mother and embrace her when the meet. She expresses regret over some of Oren’s early mis-diagnoses or medications etc., but all I could think was how hard it must have been for Dvora and Ehud to go through not knowing what was wrong with Oren, but knowing something is not right, and having to figure out how to help continue to love and support their son. This is true love.
Ehud is a biologist and seems on the surface to be more at odds with Oren because of the arguing but they share an easier intimacy in some ways than Dvora and Oren, at least on camera. While he is not outwardly effusive with his affections, there is a scene in particular that for me, was one of the most moving ones in the film. It takes place in Guatemala, where Oren is conversing atop a building with his dad and Ehud turns away from the camera, seemingly crying, overcome with emotion. When prompted by Oren to see what is wrong, he responds in a way that shows us it’s not sadness or grief or fear, it’s just being back there, it’s the remembering the moment he first held Oren as a baby and realized he was a father - that nothing was ever the same and how that has imprinted itself in his consciousness.
Part two of the film chronicles the family’s trip back to Guatemala where Ehud and Dvora have hired a journalist to get them in touch with Oren and Michal’s biological parents. The trip back there for both kids is transformative, but for the first time, we see Oren truly at peace and free. He’s laughing and smiling and he’s interacting with his biological siblings, playing games with them and holding his baby brother. With no oral language in common between them, he learns to be physically affectionate and initiates hugging with his birth family. This is something back in Israel, he can’t or won’t do with his parents. I interpreted this as in absence of language to communicate, we use expression and our bodies, and this was the only thing, Oren had at his disposal. I purposely am not going into too much detail on the second half of the film because it’s something you have to experience vs hear about through someone else’s words.
The point of the movie and it chronicles this perspective very well, is that Oren is not all these labels of diagnoses he’s gotten over the years. He won’t be reduced to this nor does it represent the multidimensionality of who he is as a person. Oren is difficult and annoying, a lot. He’s also funny and relatable and smart. Moreover, the family that chose him is a thing of beauty in which he can be all things. I can see why his story was one which made it hard for Heymann to resist.
Sounds like a beautiful story! Adding it to my list.