Anti Rom-Coms/-Drams are not Anti-Love
"Physical" and "You're The Worst" reveal more about what love is actually and it starts with you.
With V- or G-alentine’s Day around the corner, my anniversary the day before, and being a writer of a romantic fiction serial, love is on the brain, perpetually.
I’m relationship oriented and directed.
But, I will let you in on a little secret: I’ve never been attracted to the sappy rom-com-drams or had wedding day mania like the majority of women my age were encouraged strongly by media to want. The wedding dress thing? In retrospect, I should have suited it. And ok, Julia Roberts was tolerable in Runaway Bride, but all things considered in this ecosystem below, I’m decidedly on the right in the “anti rom-com fare” category.
What about you? When you think about films or TV in the romance genre that you gravitate to, where do they fit more?
“Physical” Demonstrates How Denial is a 4-Letter Word and Very Anti Love
Physical on Apple TV+ has long been a favorite of mine, and while many wouldn’t categorize this show anywhere near romance, I’m going out on a limb here with a likely unpopular view. At its core, the show is about Sheila (Rose Byrne) learning to love , like, but mostly just tolerate herself. The journey for Sheila is one of finding love through self-acceptance, and moving past denying herself joy and pleasure.
Funny thing happens when you spend your whole adult life just denying anything you want. You lose touch with yourself. - Harriet
I don’t know what I like. It’s such a humiliating thing to admit. - Sheila
S3, Episode 3, “Like it’s on Fire” - Physical on Apple TV+
As a recovering bulimic, Sheila’s relationship with disordered eating requires an ongoing and conscious effort on her part to maintain some sort of healthy equilibrium when it comes to food and it’s hard work. Writing self-affirmations on notecards, sticking them to the mirror, and saying them out loud daily help, but that’s only part of the work, as she discovers trying to battle inner demons and perceived external threats.
What the show does really well is capture that the need to deny the body nourishment by way of food as a foundational element also denies the whole person - mind, body and soul - of any pleasure or joy, and ultimately of love. Sheila, appears poised and beautiful and holds power by using her skills adeptly to her advantage, but underneath there is a pretty angry individual who doesn’t have a firm grip on her well-being and who has been actively denying her needs and wants for so long, she can’t trust herself. She’s stuck at the bottom:
In author Dani Shapiro’s works, she identifies the ways in which women use self-sabotage techniques to suppress their wants and needs. In the story presented in Physical, the character of Sheila Rubin has lived all of these intimately and is on #6.
1. We give what we most want for ourselves to someone else.
2. We tell ourselves that this one thing is going to hurt our marriage.
3. We claim we can't afford it.
4. We plan to do it—as soon as it's a less stressful time.
5. We tamp ourselves down.
6. We forget what we want most. - DING DING DING DING
The evolution of Sheila’s journey in the show’s final season season is well-earned. There are more moments of Sheila showing vulnerability that give way to authenticity and connection. The brightest moments can be found in Sheila’s interactions in her disordered eating support group where she’s in the company of other women also battling similar demons who can hear her and empathize with her.
A Personal Note: Growing up in the 80s, I was exposed to a steady diet of fitness star Jane Fonda’s aerobics workout videos. I was a fat kid in elementary school and didn’t want that to haunt me into junior high hence the aerobics videos and taking up running. I achieved my goal but I had a love-hate relationship with Fonda’s brand of feminism by way of these videos which coined the term “Feel the burn.” Per The WSJ: Her videos inspired women to seek strength—but also held out an unreachable physical ideal.
The Anti Rom-Com Queen Scores a Home Run in “You’re the Worst”
I first developed a curiosity about Aya Cash, the main actress in You’re the Worst on FX on Hulu and in The Boys on Prime Video, because of her first name, Aya. It’s the same as my daughter’s and it’s pretty unique in the U.S. Naturally, this led me to think she had a) baller parents and b) ample chutzpah to be able to carry such a name and not give into the Hollywood pressure. After witnessing Cash in this show, I’m inclined to think both statements are true.
Aya Cash is one half of the You’re the Worst couple sandwich of Gretchen Cutler, a hip hop publicist, and Jimmy Shive-Overly (Chris Geere), a published author. By all accounts, the 30-somethings that meet at a wedding of his ex and her best friend’s older sister, should never have been paired. Only, Jimmy got kicked out of the wedding for taunting his ex with almost heckles (he’s famous for his heckle lists) and she’s attempting to steal a food processor and on her way out of LA, having made the decision to move to NYC, and they happen to meet one another standing outside the shindig and decide to hook up.
Jimmy is unlikeable bloke who is made more human by his foil, his kind, thoughtful and depressed roommate Edgar (Desmin Borges), a former veteran with PTSD who was also Jimmy’s weed dealer in a pre-show timeline. The show handles Edgar’s PTSD as a very real issue that’s woven into its fabric in both humorous and not so humorous bits. The final person in the friend group is Lindsay (Kether Donohue), a sex addict and recovering party friend of Gretchen’s who is in a loveless marriage and acting out in all sorts of ways. She also sings a mean version of Kate Bush’s “This Women’s Work” which prompts Edgar to fall in love with her.
The show works well with the four of them together. Take Edgar out of the equation and I’m not sure Jimmy and Gretchen stand a chance. The relationship works because it’s part of a bigger friend ecosystem and that’s what this show gets fundamentally right. No sustaining romance worth a late night TV watch is an island, nor should it be.
On subject of this, recently, I was listening to relationship expert and psychotherapist Esther Perel being interviewed by podcaster/actress/activist Jameela Jamil on her podcast, I Weigh where the two discuss, among other topics how Jamil lives in a home with her boyfriend and their close friends and it’s great for their relationship because she gets all her needs met - friendship, romantic, and otherwise. In short, it’s impossible for one person to meet all needs of another person and setting up a relationship this way spells doom.
As much as I dig a good rom-com, I’m equally and perhaps more compelled by a messy one that doesn’t follow a happy, predictable pattern - one that leaves our star-crossed lovers with more life lessons learned at the end and less likely to be together.
In You’re the Worst, Gretchen and Jimmy’s relationship is consummated in the first episode leaving ample room in the the rest of the five seasons for more creative storytelling and better use of the ensemble.
The show came out almost a decade ago and some of the jokes reflect the passage of time more unkindly than others. That said, it’s refreshing to see honesty, in all its forms on display on this show, even the ones that hurt, because true to human nature, we are all cruel and unkind and are sometimes careless with one another, but can then turn around and do really thoughtful, wonderful things for each other. And relationships are similarly not static and change over time. The writing is good here and the acting holds court. Moreover, watching flawed characters just trying to figure life sh*t out with all their cynicism, uncertainty, and youthful radiance intact makes for compelling TV.
Other Anti-Rom-Coms / -Drams - Oddly Life Affirming Recos
Somebody I Used to Know on Prime
Beef on Netflix. Beef in a BEVP top show of 2023. Read why. And see other top 2023 shows.
Love & grief explored in Good Grief on Netflix (reviewed here)
This post is a hodge podge of repurposed BEVP ‘Stack bites sprinkled with new content. Not to get all 80s love ballad which would be very rom-dram of me, but I’ve recently found the “joy of rediscovering” [my older posts] and it’s been such a beautiful thing. Thanks for reading all the way to this note and leaving your love by way of “likes” and comments. There’s more goodies beyond the Journey…vid.
This Week’s BEVP - Film Recommendation
Based on the book by Pulitzer Prize winner Isabel Wilkerson, Caste: The Origins of Our Discontents, the film adaptation of the story of caste and how it translates across the world and timelines is a tale so masterfully told that it will take your breath away. It stars an exceptionally talented Aunjanue Ellis-Taylor (Justified City Primeval) and Jon Bernthal (The Punisher, The Walking Dead). If you haven’t heard about this film, then start talking about it. It’s a must-see before people vote in the upcoming elections in the U.S.
It’s not streaming yet, so go to the theater.
Let’s Discuss - Miscellany
Anyone start watching the last season of Curb Your Enthusiasm? For fans of the show, this article on the “Uncancellable Larry David” may be of interest.
I’m dying to start sharing my thoughts on True Detective Season 4 (Night Country) and will do so at the end of the season, which means only 2 more episodes. How they will wrap up this “going off the rails” episode 4 beats me.
I got bored with the latest episode of Monsieur Spade (on AMC). Any scene that doesn’t involve Spade (Owens) and Patrice (the French cop) on screen trading barbs, is a fast forward for me, but hey, I’m practicing my French and telling myself my college degree was worth something. If nothing else than for the understanding of Merde!! Putain! (sorry, I shouldn’t have said his last one). Anyone else watching?
Lastly don’t bother watching Expats on Prime. I did it for you. It’s a guilty pleasure show for me but it’s mostly just pain. And most of the pain is derived from trying to discern Nicole Kidman’s character show any facial emotion whatsover [over the loss of her son on the show.]
Did you like the plethora of recos? Prefer one show or film focus? Prefer a mix? Let me know.
You're the Worst was the best. Sure, some aspects didn't get developed as well as they could/should have (Gretchen going to therapy), but the chemistry between Aya and Chris was off-the-charts, and my wife and I still cry out "Sunday Fun Day" when we go out to brunch on the weekend.
You probably know this, but Aya is from major family artsy royalty. Cash was born in San Francisco, California, to poet and novelist Kim Addonizio and Buddhist teacher Eugene Cash. She is the granddaughter of tennis champion Pauline Betz and sports writer Bob Addie.
You are really convincing me to watch Physical. It had pretty bad reviews, but I love Rose Byrne so if I somehow get more time in my life, I will watch that one.
Just finished A Murder at the End of the World and it was more of a guilty pleasure than a smartly written mystery with great acting. I groaned at least a couple dozen times at unbelievable plot holes and I had guessed the "mystery" in episode 1. More as a joke than from any real evidence, but as it went on, I knew I was right. I somehow liked it, despite all the things that I didn't think worked!
Okay- I’m caught up with TD season 4 and will watch the finale tonight, so if you want to volley back and forth some thoughts and make it a post, let me know. It’s rare that I’m caught up with you on any show so I’m open.